Every time I come back to Xanga, every time I read something that I wrote in the past

I realize how much of a tribute my xanga is. who am I kidding. It was always about you 

I remember writing about the excitement of liking you, the uncertainty of not knowing if you felt the same way, the moments when everything was grand, times when everything seemed to be going wrong. I remember wanting to tell you so badly, so so badly but when I saw you I had no other words to say than hello. How I wished you saw me not as a sophomore, a younger boy, but a man you could love. The few moments when I'd see you and I'd promise myself to be brave. When I felt like everything I had carefully orchestrated, all of the things that I had wished for had gone to shit. I remember the frustration. Even now some of those very emotions linger. Like a memory you can't quite recall but you remember exactly how you felt at that moment. Wow. Yeah I remember that. How much I feared rejection. Pondered upon the possibility of us and not you and me. Trying to decipher out what you mean when you say hi with two i's. hii. Man how that used to get my heart racing. I remember the first time I knew that you liked me. That the feelings I felt for you had a home. That our embrace meant more than a greeting. First time holding your hand, your long fingers and all. Looking into your huge brown eyes. Eyes that looked like they were permanently poised to shed a tear.

I felt

invincible

then.

and I guess that's how one feels upon finding that indeed one does not need to love alone. That someone can love you too, that you don't have to love someone by yourself, like a shameful secret. I remember believing that I was with the most beautiful girl the world.

How I felt infinite when I was with you.

How every minute without you was occupied with the thought of you.

It sounds like obsession would be the right word to describe it now.

Sometimes, it's all I can do to try to feel the way you made me feel. Even before the kissing, the touching, anything. When knowing that you were mine was the only reason I needed to be. to open my eyes in the morning. I don't know if it is you I miss anymore. Simply the way you made me feel. I felt small and large all at the same time being with you. 

It's almost been a year now. a year. Damn a year has passed by.

It takes so much courage to admit that it may never be the way that it used to be. That I'll ever feel the way you made me feel when you looked at me in the eyes and held my hand. 

Believe me when I say that I may never be able to let you go completely. That you have a place in my heart from when everything was so bright and beautiful

That when I say "Thank you" I mean more than just the times we shared. because memories will fade, and time will not wait for us

but I will always remember how you made me feel
small and big and invincible

all at the same time. 

Our quest to find meaning in everything we do- no our obsession to assign meaning to everything we do. our fixation our need our addiction. why.

will our satisfaction at finding meaning in our lives in our finite existence bring about infinite satisfaction? will the questions we ask and the answers we formulate and the lies we believe change the outcome of something as certain as the rising sun and the crashing waves? what will we arrive at when we have finally exhausted all the possibilities, all of the uncertainties all of the doubts dreams and aspirations. will we then stand there, finally suffice with what we have arrived at and be able to embrace our impending non-existence, the end of our consciousness. If we are to arrive at the end which is vast emptiness, the end which means an inability to no longer conceptualize our own existence, cut off from those we call "loved ones" and fade into the vast meaningless space and mass that we all come from then what is the reason why we come together to form a creature tormented by the search for meaning in a seemingly meaningless world. Why do we seek security when ultimately the outcome is nothing at the end of an infinite trials of human existence. 

So we sail boldly in our little ship we call humanity and with a hand woven sail we call our "purpose" our morality our humanity and we sail in the vast sea determined that eventually we will land at the shores of a great nation, the ultimate answer to our search but we cannot see that the sea is without form and without end. 

I really like the sound of that. OOF. I'm semi obsessed one could say. 
It's christmas day and I feel strangely at ease with my state of affairs. Sometimes I guess I forget to appreciate normal. Normal, average, steady life. Mmm. yeah it's these moments that we often forget that I want to cherish